Long But Amazing Story

In June, I wrote a post about how close I was to breaking, and how I dreamed of a chance to focus on the truest part of myself... writing. I just re-read it, and in light of recent events I don't know whether to laugh or cry, so I'll probably do a little of both.

In recent years, I've found myself becoming more bitter and envious. When I say that, you probably envision specific objects of envy, such as lavish homes, jewelry, world travel, fame, or life as an automatic VIP. But those were never things upon which I gazed with covetous eyes.

My dreams are much more modest than that. Time, privacy, and choices.

Time to write, just write, for days on end. Privacy, free from intrusion from the outside world, and all its expectations and demands. Choices, the ability to live in a place that feels like where I belong, or to get away from the routine once in a while, volunteer or work part-time if I want... but I don't have to.

Nowhere in there do I mention a fancy house or car, or anything that screams "money," but the things I want do require a certain amount of money, despite their lack of a price tag.

Several years ago, someone I'd considered an online friend did something unspeakably cruel. While I had believed I'd known him, and had supported and counseled him through a couple of broken relationships, a relapse of a life-threatening illness, and a falling out with his family, I later learned how wrong I was.

A third relapse of his illness was pronounced terminal. Knowing about my dreams of having time to write, he all but came out and said that I would receive a "gift" when the disease finally took him. Not a fortune, but enough to perhaps take six months or a year to finish my book.

I mourned the pending loss of my friend, but was grateful that he might remember me fondly enough to share a bit of what he'd accumulated.

Only it was all a lie. He wasn't dying, and had never even been ill. His business had failed, he'd been involved in identity theft, and was estranged from his family because he'd scammed them out of tens of thousand of dollars. Oh, and also because one of his girlfriends decided to stop by his house and introduce herself to his wife.

I could handle feeling stupid and naive. What made me angry was how he'd dangled that hope in front of me, knowing it was all a lie, when all I'd ever tried to do was to be a supportive friend, caring and helping him through what I thought were very difficult, traumatic life events.

So I struggled along, trying to write, and somehow finished Make or Break over this summer. Yet my hopelessness and feeling of being disconnected from my "true self" and my place in the world was bad enough that I wrote the post about breaking.

And the situation had only gotten worse with the passing months. What few choices I had, what little time I had, continued to decrease. No matter how hard we worked, our situation slowly but steadily deteriorated. The stress of it all, on top of the anxiety that goes along with even a comfortable and well-ordered life, made my dreams feel farther away than ever. I just knew I was going to die with a whole lot of "what-if" tarnishing my soul.

Now, because of a golden retriever and a woman I never actually met, that has changed.

In 1996, I got my first computer. Being a dog-person, and more than a little head-over-heels for my golden retriever, Ripley, I soon began frequenting the dog newsgroups available at that time. There, I met my first real cyber-friend, who had a golden who had had the same surgery as my Ripley. Thus began an electronic friendship that endured through 13 years. We mourned canine tragedies, celebrated victories, shared information on caring for our dogs... well, you get the idea.

I knew she was well-off. She lived in an area where a home would not be cheap, and did not need to work. Still, she didn't travel the world or do anything that screamed "wealth." She trained her dogs and went to agility competitions. That was it. We never talked about money. Only dogs. She once sent me a check for several hundred dollars when we thought Ripley had a tumor in his eye and needed a biopsy. Thankfully, the inflammation resolved and I was able to send the check back to her, un-cashed.

I was contacted last week by a representative of her estate. I hadn't even known that she had passed away nearly two weeks earlier. It wasn't uncommon for us to have short breaks in communication like that. Sometimes life got hectic. We always knew the other would be there again when we needed them. The last I'd heard, she'd had some surgery and it had gone well. Now I know that things soon took an unexpected, aggressively nasty turn, and she passed away in hospice care.

And she has remembered me in her will.

It's not a fortune. It's not "quit both our jobs and live off our bankroll" money. And it will probably be at least a year before we see it. But it will get me those three things... time, privacy and choices.

We'll be able to get rid of some of the financial obstacles that have kept us trapped in this endless loop, get us off our hamster wheel, and let us make some changes. It's going to allow us to change our environment... living somewhere that feels more natural for us, with the privacy we crave. Don't think that means a walled estate. Nothing like that. Just some property, with a house that's probably even less impressive than the one we have. The house is not important. It's the old realty saying... "location, location, location." (But it will have a "writing room" for me! Oh, and a decent bathtub. And a covered porch for Tom. Beyond that, I couldn't care less.)

Most importantly, I'll be able to take some time and try to do the writing thing with all my devotion and passion. I'll be able to focus exclusively on it, to live as a writer. I won't be an administrative staffer or manager who writes in her spare time. I'll be a writer.

I've always been a little envious of writers, of course. Not the super-wealthy and successful ones. I figure they're in a league of their own, and I can't even wrap my head around that. I'm more envious of the ones who have started to earn some income from their books, enough that they no longer need their "day jobs." They're not rich, but they're able to live as writers, going to conferences, having book signings, and spending every day focusing on their current work-in-progress and what comes next.

Now, in perhaps a year, I'll have options. Choices, time, and privacy. I'll be able to be a writer, and focus on succeeding at the one thing that has ever mattered to me. It could turn out well. My work could turn into a real income source... and we'll be able to find that out now, because my late friend's generosity is giving us the breathing space to do so. Without this gift, we'd be stuck in the "work harder, fall farther behind" cycle forever. This way, the noose is gone from around our necks.

We just have to hang in there for a year or so... but now there's hope on the horizon, and it's a welcome sight, indeed.

But, do you know what troubles me now? The people with whom I've shared this news usually say something like, "It sounds like something out of a book/movie!" And they're right. This makes me think what would probably be the next thing that would happen in this book or movie.

My character (or Tom's) would die some horribly tragic or ironic death mere days before the inheritance came through, all the hopes and dreams that were about to become possible due to the generosity of a friend would go unrealized.

Because the Universe has a perverse sense of humor, and irony like that would totally fit the pattern of my life.

To lessen the possibility of dropping dead for no good reason, and to honor the memory of my friend, I quit smoking five days ago. I figure there's no sense in giving the Universe any extra ammunition.

Just When You Think You Know What You're Doing

There have been a couple of setbacks in the re-writing process of Make or Break. I have all the main changes roughed in, but need to go over it and smooth it out, make sure I've maintained continuity, etc. But due to a family emergency, I was grand-dog sitting for a few days, and I am completely unable to write if there are distractions of any kind. Super-cute little white dogs, who I have to keep away from my three big slobbery dogs count as a distraction.

Then I had an unfortunate dental issue, and spent a couple of the subsequent days off at the dentist's. (And sadly, those visits are far from complete.)

I'm hoping to finish these re-writes in the next week, then start on my submission materials.

I've mentioned the "Gold" mystery, which started out to be my first book and is now slated to be my second book. But a couple of nights ago, while reading a paranormal romance (I read a lot of those), I got an idea. Actually, the way the book was going, I thought, "Oh, wow, she's going to..." thinking the author had come up with a very clever twist I hadn't read before. She didn't. She went another way. Which means that great thought I had still appears to be up for grabs. It's either incredibly awesome or incredibly stupid. It's that unusual. But look at the industry these days. We have reluctant vampire queens who love shoes, mermaids, zombies with fashion sense, werewolves of every shape and description, and demons... just to name a few. In that genre niche, my idea isn't that odd.

I told a friend about it on Friday, and she was intrigued and thinks it can work. I'm not convinced yet, but I'm starting to flesh out the logistics of this particular paranormal world. I have to explain how characters are or become what they are, how they interact, what they can and cannot do in various forms... and come up with some sort of plot to keep them busy and interacting in interesting, entertaining ways.

My idea opens the door to a lot of "fish out of water" moments, and "too much information" laughs. It will encompass the heroine's changing relationship with a close friend and with a new man in her life. Oh, and let's not forget "when worlds collide," because the heroine is going to have to learn to live with (and in) a society she hadn't even known existed. That part isn't unique - it happens in almost all paranormal stories - but this has angles I haven't encountered elsewhere.

Now I'm not entirely sure the "Gold" mystery will be the next book. It could very well be the paranormal romance, if I can pick a plot and direction to start.

Writing Thought Du Jour

Even as I'm working on the re-writes for Make or Break, my head is hard at work on the "Gold" mystery. Or romance. Or romantic suspense. Or whatever the hell my characters decide to turn it into.

In a way, I'm enjoying lingering over my current stage of re-writes. At the moment, it's the "first kiss" scene. Since I've decided to move the much more intense scene that followed soon after that to a later point in the chapter, I get to refine the first kiss. I've been thinking of the perfect conversational snippet to lead into it, and the one thing Seth can say just before he kisses her... the one thing that would melt Abby's heart, and make it clear to the readers that something profound has happened, that all the usual rules have been blown out of the water by the intensity of the intense connection between them. Honestly, it's kept me up the past two nights.

What I'm pondering today, though, as it pertains to the "Gold" mystery/romance/romantic suspense/what-the-hell-ever, is the very crucial decision of which point of view to use. (Those of you with a foot or two in the writing world are encouraged to reply in the comments with your opinions.)

Make or Break is written in third person multiple. I am in the head of only one character at a time, and only Abby's and Seth's are used. When I switch POV, it's with a clear scene or chapter break. An early version of the opening chapters was actually done in first person, because I wanted the freedom to "speak" more in Abby's voice. Then I decided that Seth was too important, and I needed to be able to put the readers directly into his point of view so we could get deep looks at his thoughts, feelings, and motivations, things that would be difficult to represent only through his words and actions as they were visible to Abby or relayed to her in conversation from another character.

I think the majority of the mysteries I read are written in first person. This gives the author the ability to really develop the main character's voice, with all the narrative passages written exactly as the character would think them. I love the option of all that humorous internal dialogue. In third person, you can drop in the occasional internal dialogue quote, saying something exactly as she is thinking it, but mostly it's things like "Abby thought..." That can still be enlightening and humorous, but it's a bit more dilute. The real humor has to come through spoken dialogue or internal dialogue quotes.

I'd like to be able to write Mitch in first person. She's going to be funnier than Abby is, I think, and she's also going to have some serious issues that might flesh out better if I can write directly from her point of view on all levels.

But I'm worried about Evan. He'll become the Seth to Mitch's Abby. I don't plan for their relationship to be the same "instant bolt of lightning" that struck Seth and Abby. It will develop throughout the book, with more roadblocks and obstacles and setbacks. Still, one thing I've learned about myself from writing Make or Break is that despite my best intentions, there's going to be a lot of romance in the new book. Turns out I'm a total girl that way. Because I'm sure I'm going to fall more than a little bit in love with Evan, and I'll want my readers to know him every bit as well as I do, I don't know if I want to give up the ability to tell significant parts of the story from his point of view. If I commit to first person (Mitch), I can't do that.

I know some authors manage it. They have the majority of the book written in first person, and insert chapters here or there from other characters' perspective... but that's tricky. And for a new author, taking that risk, which will likely draw the "you're not supposed to do that" comment from agents and editors until you've established your reputation enough to say, "Yeah, but look how well I did it," it doesn't pay to put unnecessary obstacles in your own path.

If I go with third person multiple again, so that I can more fully develop Evan's character, I'll need to bring him into the story much sooner than I might otherwise. Which means I'll have to get to the initial crisis (murder) right off the bat. At least by the middle of the second chapter, I think. Which means I have a lot to accomplish in chapter one.

I'm leaning toward third person. Still, at some point I really want to try my hand at first person.

For now... back to that first kiss.

Let The Revisions Begin!

My self-imposed month-long mental hiatus from the manuscript ended yesterday. This isn't to say I didn't think about the book at all during that time. I did. I also had several excellent meetings with my new Chief Pre-Reader, Kelli, which helped me sort out the changes I needed to make before printing fresh reading copies, writing the synopsis, and sending out more submissions. Yesterday I was finally ready to get started.

I didn't set out with a specific idea of how long I was going to let the manuscript "rest." I just knew I was losing my objectivity - and probably a good bit of whatever sanity I had left.

The first (and primary) adjustment I have to make is with Chapter 3. My reader suggested delaying one key scene until later in the chapter to heighten the tension. While I resisted making such a big change, I see the value of it. I worried about all the little story-threads that grew from the scene being where it was, and the time and focus it would take to make sure I didn't leave any dangling.

That's about how far I got. I had a lot of tiny "tweaks" in the first two chapters, consisting mainly of simplifying some sentences and keeping an eye out for over-used words. I finished that by afternoon. Then I got out my hard copy and started blocking out the sections of 3 that need to be moved around, and highlighting things that will have to be re-worked or removed in light of the changes.

Despite the additional work, I'm glad to be back in writer mode. I found I really missed Seth and Abby. This felt like seeing favorite friends after a long separation. (Or seeing the cute boy on whom you have a huge crush after a three-month summer vacation. Same thing.) I immediately fell into all my writerly habits, including forgetting to eat, smoking too much, doing even less housework than usual, and having numb legs from sitting on the futon with the laptop across my legs.

I also became reacquainted with the main side effect of being in writer mode. Insomnia. The characters are busy again inside my head, and I tossed and turned last night trying to get them to agree on a perfect line to precede a key moment. So far they're being difficult. I told them to give it some thought and get back to me tomorrow. I threatened to delete at least one of their sex scenes if they can't figure it out, but I'm fairly certain they know this is an empty threat.

With my upcoming available writing days being tomorrow, next Tuesday, and next Thursday, I've given myself through next week to finish these main re-writes. It might take another writing day (the following Tuesday), but I hope not. I'll send the revisions out for feedback, then get serious (yes, I mean it this time) about getting the synopsis done and some submissions made.

The next book, the "Gold" mystery, is percolating nicely. I'm sure once I start it, the characters will start developing and defining the story for me the same way Seth and Abby did for Make or Break.

I'm starting to fret a little about the "Gold" mystery turning into a romance, too. I keep stomping my feet and insisting I'm not a romance writer, I never wanted to be a romance writer, I'm not going to be a romance writer, and Make or Break was not supposed to be a romance... even if it ended up being damned good one. However, given that the relationships in my books have become the parts that are most significant to me, the parts that drive me to sit down and get to the next chapter, the parts that keep me up at night... I'm starting to think I might be wrong.

I guess that wouldn't be so bad.

In-Between

Writers will know what I'm talking about. Writing limbo sucks. Massively.

Three agents have passed on Make or Break, and I'm not ready yet to do more submissions. I've enlisted (or drafted... potato - potahto) another excellent pre-reader who had some insight into the tension in my early chapters. I'm going to take her suggestions and see if I can re-work parts of Chapters 2-3 without unraveling the entire rest of the book. If I can pull it off, I think it will strengthen the relationship rather than weaken it.

After I do that, I'll be able to write the synopsis and get back to submitting.

Meanwhile, Book #2 is percolating. It's more of a mystery than a romance. Which, by the way, is something else... I've been calling Make or Break a romantic suspense, but maybe it's really a straight-out romance. I've been reading more of the genre lately, and many of the "romance" titles don't have much less "mystery/suspense" than Make or Break. This may change how I handle my submissions.

But back to Book #2. I'm still kicking around working titles. All I know for sure is I want "gold" or "golden" in the title, as golden retrievers will figure prominently in the plot. Hills of Gold? Search For Gold? I don't know yet. I'm eager to get started on it, but I have work to do on Make or Break first.

The other complication has been computer-related. My Acer laptop had a meltdown ten days ago. The book was safely backed up, and the techie-people were able to save my other data, but the operating system was fried. It's up and running again, but the hard drive isn't 100% and it could die again at any time. Which meant I had to get a new computer. Nope, can't afford it... but it's like putting $500 worth of parts on an $800 car. Not smart, not practical. Not if you rely on that car to get you to work. I have to have a computer that is reliable. My work life and writing life depend on it, and pending system failure is not good.

To top it off, the server at work died on Friday. So all this computer-juggling has been disturbing. It looks like I'm going to have to take both laptops to work tomorrow when they come to network our new computer and my computer(s). For some reason, the fact that this computer is running Vista Home Premium may be an issue. The Acer used to run Vista Ultimate, which was fine. Now it's running the beta of Windows 7. I'll get a free upgrade to Windows 7 for the new computer (a Lenovo Ideapad) when it is released, but for now I'm stuck with Vista Home Premium. I have no idea how our work system will handle Windows 7.

I need to get out of this "in-between" phase of writing. I need to get Make or Break out there some more, and get writing the new book. I miss the writing process.

In Limbo

I'm trying very hard not to be overwhelmed. I thought it was overwhelming when I was in the process of writing Make or Break, but I didn't know how good I had it. I felt incredible pressure to produce a significant amount of progress on each "writing day," also known as any day I didn't have to go to my office to my regular job. I agonized over scene transitions and character development, and paid intense attention to plot points and monitored myself for inconsistencies.

Those were the good old days.

I knew preparing and submitting queries would be tough. I knew it was likely to be a long road. There are thousands of agents out there, and all of them are swamped with queries. A submission has to be really extraordinary, or in some way be especially well-suited to the list the agent is trying to develop. While once every hundredth blue moon an author might get picked up by the first agent who sees their work, if you truly think that author is going to be you, you're setting yourself up for crushing disappointment.

But, being who I am, I hoped. And I was disappointed.

I sent my first submission out on July 10, and three weeks later I got my rejection. At least it was a nice one. It was a personal email, not a form, and it spoke to the quality of my writing... but it just didn't resonate with that particular agent. He pointed out that he is only one reader, and for any agent to represent a book well, he or she must love it. He liked it, but didn't love it. When I replied to thank him for his thoughtful email, he replied again with additional encouragement. I appreciate that more than I can tell you. Most agents don't do that.

Yesterday I sent out two of what I'm thinking of as "brief queries." These were to agencies that request only a query letter that contains the usual information, as well as a short summary of your book. Those agencies met the criteria I had established for all the ones on my list of potential submissions, but since they didn't require a full synopsis (which I'm still working on), I figured it couldn't hurt to do a nice query letter and get that in the pipeline while I work out the rest of my submission material. If they request more information, I should have the synopsis ready to give them by then.

Today, I've already gotten a rejection from one of the agencies. It wasn't as cushioned as the first one. It was a form email, for which they apologize (in the form email), and simply says they get many, many submissions and this one wasn't what they were looking for. Yeah, I figured that out. I know they're busy, too, but it did help soften the blow when I got a bit of encouragement and acknowledgment that I was an individual human being from the first agent. I don't expect critique and suggestions for improving the manuscript. I know they're too busy for that. But it was nice for someone to take two minutes to type an actual "Dear Ms. Whitwam" note that put me in "actual human being" status.

So, I still have one active submission out there, and we'll see how that goes. It sure would be nice for someone to at least ask to see a partial or full manuscript before deciding it's not right for them.

Better yet, it would be nice for someone to be interested enough to ask for the manuscript, love it as much as I (and my pre-readers) do, and agree to represent me.

In the meantime, I will get my other material written and edited and re-edited and refined, and get some more submissions out there. I don't really feel like I can start work on the new book until I at least have several active submissions for Make or Break. I continue to work on plot ideas and character development, as well as a bit of research, but it may be a few weeks before I'm ready to sit down to the actual writing.

That's what I miss. Those good old days. Those fourteen-hour, mind-numbing, exhausting, back-cramping, leg-deadening, frustrating, anxiety-laden... wonderful, inspirational, life-affirming, soul-satisfying, creative writing days.

A writer without a work in progress doesn't really feel like a writer. Even though the new book is in progress in my head, that's not the same as having words on the screen and chapters backed up on my flash drive. Until then, I feel like I'm in limbo, and it's really making me antsy.

Keep your fingers crossed for me... that some wonderful agent will meet Seth and Abby and want to know their whole story... and then sell it to someone who can get it published and share it with everyone else.

For now, I still have a lot of work to do.

A Step, Not a Setback

I got a perfectly lovely email last night from the agent to whom I submitted Make or Break. Well, it would have been perfectly lovely except for the fact that he's going to pass on the book. He said he just didn't "feel" the story, and it's crucial that an agent really love a book if he's going to represent it well.

This is true. I wouldn't want an agent to accept my book while thinking, "Meh, it's okay. It's not spectacular, but I need another book or two in this genre. I can probably do something with it."

He also said that he is only one reader, and the fact that it didn't resonate with him doesn't mean I don't have talent. (He assured me that I do. Which, of course, I know.) He encouraged me to make more submissions, because he believes it will be the right fit for a different agent. And I will. As soon as I write a good synopsis, which I've been avoiding like I avoid other people's children and bad haircuts.

I had several compelling reasons for choosing that agent for my first submission, but my key reservation about it was the fact that he's... well... a "he." Make or Break is definitely a woman's book. It arose out of my own personal version of romance, the most extraordinary meet-and-fall-in-love-with-the-man-of-your-dreams fantasy I could envision. Then I built Emporia, filled it with interesting people and one cool dog, and figured out what would happen to everybody. It's definitely written to speak to the female psyche, our girlish notions of fantasy, romance, passion, sensuality, and love. If guys are drawn to it, it will likely be for the suspense element. And possibly the sex scenes.

I have a spreadsheet I've made with about two dozen agents and agencies that meet my criteria. I have four or five of them targeted as especially likely to be interested in Make or Break. I'm pretty sure they're all women. Which is good. I have specific reasons for selecting each of them, and will take time over the next week to review their submission requirements, get a good synopsis and appropriate query letters together, and get back out there.

I knew it was wildly improbable that I'd be signed by the first agent I queried. But with me, you never know. Things that are important to me tend to happen, once I get off my ass and make a little effort. I just need to make a bit more effort this time.

I have gone back into some research I started a couple of years ago, aimed at what was then supposed to be my first book, but which will now be my second book. I'm reconnecting with my canine rescue group volunteers, because the dogs that come up missing early in the book are the key to the mystery. I need some brainstorming help. I have also emailed my "car guy" again, and hopefully he will still be available to help me with my main character's car. It's a 1980 Camaro Berlinetta, which is now my dream car, but I've never "met" one. I'm spending time sorting through my memories from "back home" in West Virginia, because my fictional Arcadia County is a slightly disguised version of Marshall County, where I grew up. So while I'm not actively writing the new book yet, I'm working on it.

That's the latest. It's not great news, but it's not the end of the world, either. Other writers have assured me that it's a big deal to get a personal response from an agent, let alone two. (He replied a second time when I wrote to thank him for his consideration.)

In the meantime, I will keep writing.